I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
how drunk are you?
Several
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
