guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
