i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My feet surprised me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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