I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
