I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
