Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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