im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
