just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
