When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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