You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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