so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
