me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
