I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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