You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
