I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
