it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
