On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
