Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize