phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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