smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize