My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
