I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
