Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
