Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
