My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
