Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
