you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
