he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
