Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
