I have demons in me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Randomize
