Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
