I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize