I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
