You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
