I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
