He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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