HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
