Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
