You made me cry and you don't even care
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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