no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
