I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
