he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
