he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize