Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
