Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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