forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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