Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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