babies were throwing up all over the place
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
