A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
