just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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