Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
