just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
from now on my penis is your penis
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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