tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
